Author Archives: ashcrouch

How Halloween made me feel.

Seeing as yesterday was Halloween I feel reflecting on how I felt yesterday is important.

Halloween wasn’t a big affair as I was growing up, we knew about it from the states but the UK didn’t care. During the last few years it got big and we now do trick or treating and scary events.

It’s one of the holidays where I feel I’m missing out. Parents can do pumpkin carving, decorating houses, choosing costumes,watching scary movies and trick or treating. How amazing it must be for them, all those experiences that they get to have, the memories they can make with their children.

The things I can’t do. The things I’d love to do.

I should feel lucky I suppose. I work at a farm park where I can interact with children and help them have fun. But it usually has me either jealous of their parents or angry as their parents do nothing while there kids play. Ok, they probably want a break but still.

I was also lucky to take the girls to pumpkin carving. They wanted me to take them trick or treating but I thought their dad should do it with them.

But I don’t feel lucky, or happy. I hide myself away and worked on Christmas to keep me busy. Is it jealously or envy, am I getting depressed over it.

I think it is fine for me to feel upset I’m missing out, just like many people reading this, or even parents who’s kids want the freedom to do it on their own. I just have to acknowledge this feeling, and live with it, at least for now

Who I am

Hi whoever is reading this.

This blog is a mix of me expressing how I feel and finding support along the way.

My name is Ashleigh, I’m 37, married to a lovely wife and in a good job. I practically have everything in life I could want but for one thing, children.

My whole life I’ve worked with children, I have 2 degrees in childcare, I’ve been a nursery manager, childminder, teacher, babysitter, cub leader and more. I adore children but through so many ways I havent got my own.

We’ve tried, naturally, 3 rounds of failed ivf. And we are still trying. I’d love to Foster or adopt but my wife wants the natural bond. So we keep trying.

I was OK with this till last Christmas. I now work at a children’s adventure farm in the UK, 4 Kingdoms Adventure Farm. We host the biggest indoor immersive Christmas experience in the UK and I’m in charge of IT and data.

Last Christmas a family from my nursery came round and I talked to them, and immediately hit it off with the youngest girl again. She was my key child and I knew her well. Her mum suggested I look after her and I jumped at the chance. From February I was looking after her and her sister regularly.

I loved it, wanted to look after them all the time. Took them to the cinema, swimming, parks, etc had the eldest round to sleep.

But recently my relationship has struggled and my wife said it was my obsession with them. I stopped and looked and realised its not the girls, it’s the feeling I have around them.

I can now be a father, get the hugs, play, teaching and conversation I dont get. It’s the feeling of loving and being loved back. It’s having the special occasions and memories. The sense of family, even if fleeting.

But they are not mine. I really like there mum and dad and don’t want to spoil there relationship or ruin the relationship with my wife.

I will write how I feel daily in this blog, share support or things I’ve done to feel better. I’ll share when I do things with the girls. Days when I’m sad. Arguments with the wife and our journey through ivf or childleseness. Whatever happens.

I hope it helps people and I hope people can help in return. Let’s start this journey.